


Always on the front line

by amiyade



Series: Moments [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Flashbacks, Hand Jobs, Kissing, M/M, One Shot, Sexual Content, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 19:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1149711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amiyade/pseuds/amiyade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was hard to love Commander Shepard when you had to watch from the sidelines. But in the quite moments between missions, when they could spend some time together, Kaidan knew it was worth everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always on the front line

**Author's Note:**

> It takes place, let's say sometime before Thessia, just after the Leviathan mission, but not really related to it, so no spoilers.  
> My first try in this fandom. I'm not a native English speaker, so bear with me and let me know if you find any mistakes. Thanks for Nightxshade for being my guinea p... I mean beta. :3

 

"I already told you, I'm fine" there was an edge in his voice as Shepard put away the last piece of his armour and grabbed his jacket from the locker. 

"And I told you, I don't give a damn how you feel. You were out cold for almost two minutes, your lips are still blue and your nose is bleeding again. Med bay, now." With an annoyed movement Shepard cleaned the blood off his face with the back of his hand. Kaidan usually wasn't so persistent; also he was unusually quiet on their ride back to the Normandy while he told them what he found out about Leviathan. Shepard looked around for support in the shuttle bay, but Cortez was doing everything he could to look extremely busy around the shuttle, and James literally disappeared the moment the shuttle's doors opened. Maybe he sensed the heavy atmosphere between them, that wasn't usually there. He sighed and headed for the elevator while he slipped into his jacket. 

"Fine. But I have reports to do after it." Kaidan caught up with him when the elevator door opened and they stepped in, Shepard pressing the control panel to the crew's deck. The Commander glanced at the other man, immediately noticing the little frown lines between his brows and how he forced his jaw to relax. He knew that expression on Kaidan’s face.

"How's your head?" Shepard asked turning the Major's way. Kaidan's jaw tightened again and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"You should be worrying about your own" he said without looking at Shepard.

"Hey, I'm allowed to be concerned about my crew. How many waves did you have to shoot down while I was under?"

"One or two" he shrugged, but his shoulders were too stiff to pass the movement for nonchalant.

"Uh-huh." Shepard narrowed his eyes at his partner, but it was lost on him, since Kaidan still stared at the door.

"We had it under control. And for the meantime at least I didn't have time to think on all the things that could have gone wrong." 

"I told you I'd be fine." Shepard frowned and shot an angry look at Kaidan.

"And were you? Really?" He finally looked at the Commander and Shepard's answer was stuck in his throat. Was he? It was a damn close call, but there was no reason for him to let Kaidan know that. They stared at each other as Shepard tried to decide how to answer, but he was saved when the door opened. Kaidan looked away with a frustrated huff and gestured to Shepard.

"After you, Commander" 

"Do you think I would..."

"Shepard, please" maybe it was the use of his name, or the way his body tensed again, but Shepard just nodded and made his way to the med bay. He thought the Major would follow him all the way, but he stepped through the door alone.

"Commander, I hoped you'd come to me, so I don't have to hunt you down myself." Dr Chakwas stood from her desk as soon as he entered.

"That's actually a harder task, than it seems."

"Oh, trust me, I know. Please sit down" the Commander sat on the edge of the nearest bed and having nothing better to do, he followed the doctor's omni-tool with his eyes as she took his scans. "Your body temperature is still low, but it doesn't seem to affect your synthetics. How are you feeling?" Shepard was getting tired of this question, but this time he took a few moments to really think about it. 

"Confused. Like there were a lot of bugs clawing in my brain. My limbs feel numb too" the doctor's eyes were on her omni-tool and she nodded in acknowledgement.

"That's from the low temperature, but I'm not so sure about your head. It slightly resembles the time you got in contact with that beacon, and the... similar cases." When he talked to the Reapers; he understood why she didn't want to say it. Well, that made sense. It wasn't comforting, but it made sense. Dr Chakwas took another scan with different parameters this time and spent a few moments inspecting the results, then turned off her omni-tool and looked up with a blank face at the Commander.

"Am I free to go?" 

"Well, there's nothing that could be solved with medi-gel, so yes."

"And what's the judgement?" He narrowed his eyes at the doctor, being just a bit suspicious, it was too easy.

"You'll live, but you need rest. Doctor's order. Your body and mind went through a great deal of stress; there will be consequences if you treat this lightly. Even for you." And wasn't that a little slap in the face. If you survived some crazy shit you could forget you aren't exactly invincible. Shepard looked out the window to see Kaidan leaning on a wall and talking with some of the crew members. He seemed more relaxed than before, but his shoulders were still too tense. He wondered when he learnt to read the other man so well. A picture came to his mind: after the mission on Mars, Kaidan, lying on the table, injured, motionless, barely breathing. He remembered how he felt at that moment, the mind numbing fear that grabbed his insides. _He is just worried about you, idiot._ Maybe he owned the man an apology for his earlier behaviour. 

"Commander, focus" Shepard's attention snapped back to the woman. "You spaced out."

"Just thinking..." Shepard blinked a few times to refocus on the doctor, but his eyes still wandered to the other side of the window.

"As I said, I should check on you in every hour or so... but I have other matters to attend, so unless you are willing to stay here..." she looked at Shepard's frown before she continued, "thought so. Then I will have to ask someone else to do it for me" this got the Commander's attention again.

"Someone else?" He asked back, rising his eyebrow innocently, which earned him a knowing smile.

"After I made the right adjustments, anyone with an omni-tool can do it. Actually, the Major already has your readings from the shuttle anyway. I will talk to him" that little smile never left her face and Shepard resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Take care, Commander."

"Thank you" he hopped of the bed and headed for the door.

"Oh, I'm not sure painkillers will do you any good, but Liara might be able to help you with the headaches, try talk to her." Shepard turned back to the doctor, confused.

"I don't have headache anymore."

"But you will" was all the woman said without even turning to him.

"Great" he grunted out as he stepped out the door. He looked over to Kaidan, but the Major seemed to be still in deep conversation with the others and Shepard wasn't sure what to say to him after their little chat earlier. And he sure as hell didn't need an audience. So he just headed to the elevator. He wasn't running away, he would talk to Kaidan. Later. When he stepped into his cabin he had a serious debate whether to take a hot shower or just pass out on his bed, he started to feel the tiredness now that even the last remnant of the adrenalin wore off. He took off and tossed his jacket to the couch and sat down to remove his boots. The hot water seemed more and more tempting as he stood up to get out of his pants. He froze when he heard the door open and without even looking he called out.

"Did I forget to lock the door?" Shepard let the annoyance seep into his voice, but it was all gone, when his intruder answered.

"No, you gave me your code" Kaidan's voice was neutral as he strolled up to the Commander.

"Did I?" He put down his pants from his hand and turned to his partner.

"Yeah" any other response was cut by a harsh kiss, as Kaidan grabbed his neck and smashed their lips together. For a surprised moment Shepard stood motionless, but in the next he opened his mouth to the other and wrapped his arms around Kaidan's waist and back to pull him closer. The Major sneaked a hand under Shepard's shirt to touch skin.

"Man, you are cold" he hissed as he broke the kiss just to dive back for another desperate one before he rested his forehead on the Commander's shoulder. 

"I still don't really feel it, but your hands are warm. It feels good" they stood there for a few silent moments, just holding each other. "Kaidan, I..."

"Don't" he looked up with a frown on his face. "We’ll talk later, now just... I need to feel you."

"I can work with that" Shepard had to swallow before he could answer in a hoarse voice. With practiced ease he worked the straps and buttons on Kaidan's shirt open and pulled it off the man in a quick movement. "I wanted to take a shower" Shepard remarked as he stepped toward the bed while watching Kaidan remove his boots and strip his pants and briefs in one smooth motion.

"That would take too long" he moved closer, sitting on the bed next to Shepard. He grabbed the Commander’s shirt taking it off him, and tossing it away while Shepard got rid of his boxers.

"Then you have to find another way to warm me up" he smirked up at Kaidan as he lay back on the bed.

"I can work with that" he lay down next to him on his side, pulling Shepard to him and pressing their bodies together.

"Wow, you are hot" Shepard sighed, enjoying the heat of the other's body as he traced his hands up and down Kaidan's back.

"I know, but thanks" that earned a small laugh, but it was cut off quickly by another kiss. It wasn't the desperate clash of lips and teeth from earlier, but it was just as urgent, fuelled by another desire. They stayed like that, tongues tasting, hands wandering slowly, enjoying every single moment of the constant push and pull between bodies that was starting to become familiar. There was nothing else, just their skin pressed together and their quickening breath in each other's ears. Kaidan broke free first; he rolled Shepard on his back and straddled his thighs. Looking down at him with hungry eyes he took both their now hard cocks in his hand, and then bent down again for another messy kiss.

"What do you want?" Shepard's voice was rough, body desperate for more. The sight of Kaidan above him, flushed, face broken open was almost too much and he still wanted more, needed to give everything the other man wanted.

"Just... this. I need this." He started to move his hand slowly, applying the right pressure they both could enjoy. Just a bit off rhythm of their movements, which he knew drove Shepard crazy. Shepard grabbed Kaidan's waist, enjoying the feeling of muscles moving under his hand and thrusting up into Kaidan's hand. He turned his head to the side to give more access to his neck when the other man gently bit him, then returning the favour by kissing and biting Kaidan's neck and shoulder, which made the other's breath hitch. Shepard felt the tell-tale tightening of his muscles and the next moment his orgasm run through his whole body leaving him breathless. But he didn't stop moving, he grabbed the back of Kaidan's neck kissing and biting wherever he could, he placed his other hand over Kaidan's, just holding it until his partner's movements became erratic. Shepard moaned his name as encouragement and that did the trick. Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut, mouth opening in a silent groan as he came. He buried his face into the crook of Shepard's neck and they lay there just breathing for a few perfect moments. It was Shepard who moved first, reaching out to the nightstand for the tissue box, which became a constant thing next to the bed lately. The thought made him chuckle and the movement stirred up Kaidan too.

"What?" he asked in hoarse voice, sitting up and taking a tissue from the other to wipe off his hand.

"Nothing" he smiled and helped to clean up the mess they made. "Do I still feel cold?"

"No" answered Kaidan as he got off the Commander and pulled up the comforter covering them both. He lay down on his side next to Shepard, leaning on his elbow and tracing random patterns on Shepard's chest with his fingers. "You know, you scared the hell out of me with that stunt you pulled today. But if I think about it, you were always like this."

"Like what?" The Commander looked up at him, but Kaidan was watching his own fingers running up and down on his skin.

"Going ahead, rushing into danger. Like the time the first Normandy got attacked and I had to watch you run into the fire. When you went up against that Reaper, I swear to God my heart skipped a beat or that dive today, hell even that attack against the Collectors..."

"So you know all about that supposed-to-be suicide mission too?" He raised his eyebrows curiously, concentrating on that part instead of the others.

"Yeah, more than I’d like to know actually. I read your report and... asked around." More like bugged Garrus and Tali until they told him everything, he was sure. "God, I even talked to Samara and Jack about it the last time we were on the Citadel" he huffed out a small laugh, but it was all gone in the next moment.

"You talked to Jack?" Shepard asked him incredulously.

"Actually it was because of the kids from the academy, Spectre business, but she remembered me from Horizon and obviously knew everything that had happened ever since."

"It seems everybody knows about everything here. I always had the suspicion that my crew talked behind my back" he narrowed his eyes at Kaidan challengingly, but got only a smug smile as an answer.

"Anyway, she asked if earning my trust was always so hard."

"She did what?" Now he was confused. Why would Jack...

"She might have used different words and I know it's not like me, but I got angry. We had a little argument, she threw a table at me, I pinned her to the ceiling before she tossed me across the room" he stopped, looked at the disbelief on Shepard's face and shook his head with a laugh. "If only you could see your face right now! In the end we reached an agreement, before C-Sec arrived. I dealt with the authorities and she answered my questions. My point is," he continued quickly before the Commander could ask him anything "you were always the one who took the riskiest part. And we all agreed on that part, for that matter. I guess, it’s also part of what I love about you, but do you have any idea how that feels for those you leave behind? To watch you rush ahead again and again?" He looked away and when he looked back at Shepard, his eyes were sad, not angry as the Commander would have expected.

"It's not like that" Shepard looked up at the ceiling, it made easier for him to talk like this, than staring into Kaidan's eyes. "It's not easy, but every time, all I can think about is, that if not me, then somebody else has to do it. If it's me I know that I'll do everything in my power to get the job done, even if I don't come out of it alive. And in that case, rather me, than any of you." 

"You can't be serious" now there was also anger in his voice.

"I can't watch any more of my friends die in front of me, Kaidan" he looked back at his partner with uncertain eyes and Kaidan's look softened.

"But you are Commander Shepard; you do things most people would claim impossible on a weekly basis. And that's exactly what the galaxy needs now. We need _you_ , Shepard" he hesitated for a moment before adding the last part. "I need you" Shepard had to look away again from the intensity he saw in Kaidan's eyes. Sometimes it almost scared him, the amount of trust others put in him. Especially Kaidan. But he wasn't going to touch that subject with a ten foot pole, at least not now.

"Sometimes I feel whatever I do, it's just never enough" he rubbed his hands over his face. "In those times I think: to hell with the galaxy and screw everything" he reached up and placed his hand on Kaidan's neck, looking for his pulse unconsciously, "but then I remember that's where you live, where all of you live. So I guess I'm stuck with this. Damn, I feel that headache coming on. And I still have to report back to the admiral" he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and index finger. 

"No, you don't" Kaidan moved out from under the covers and sat at the edge of the bed.

"Kaidan, this information about Leviathan is really important..." Shepard started to get up too, but Kaidan stopped him with pointing his finger at him.

"Indeed. But _you_ are going to sleep. I report back to Hackett and tell him you'll fill him in with the details as soon as you wake up" they stared at each other for a few moments then Shepard sighed and lay back. Kaidan grabbed his clothes but after a moment he tossed them aside again and stood up. "I need a shower."

"You really expect me to sleep with the thought of you in my shower?" Shepard propped himself up on his elbows and pointedly looked the Major up and down as he headed for the bathroom.

"You are more than welcome to join me; you are in a need of one too. Although I don't intend to stay long" a challenging little smile took over his face when he looked back over his shoulders as he walked up the few stairs.

"Did you just..." but Kaidan already disappeared behind the bathroom door. Shepard shook his head and got out under the covers to join his partner. There was steam already in the shower. Kaidan stood under the spray, running his fingers through his wet hair. Shepard reached out to do the same when the hot water hit his face. It felt almost cold at first on his chilled skin. Like summer rain. _Rain hitting his face, cold, as he collapsed hard to the ground. Cold and dark. Did he get out? He must had, there sure wasn't raining in the mech. After the silence now there was noise everywhere. His vision was blurry, but he could make out the two brutes walking over to him. Where was his gun? He needed his gun, but he couldn't move, his consciousness was fading. Rain pouring down on everything and the brute raised it's 'hand' to strike and he couldn't move, couldn't..._

"Shepard!" The Commander's eyes snapped open, when did he even close them? Kaidan was holding his face in his hands, eyes worried as he searched his face. The Commander blinked a few times, trying to cast away the remnants of the memory.

"Damn it" he whispered as he wrapped his arms around Kaidan. He did the same, holding the other man close.

"Hey, it's okay" and it really was. Shepard knew they would never talk about it again, because there was nothing to talk about. They were both soldiers with their own demons. They would be there for each other, somebody to lean on. Kaidan would hold him without a word until he'd be able to walk out to the next war. Shepard slowly pushed the other man to the wall, kissing him hard and desperate until both of them were breathless. They cleaned up like this, silently kissing and touching, making sure the other one was real beside them. When they got out of the shower Kaidan ordered Shepard back into bed immediately, which the Commander obeyed quite easily. He was exhausted. As he slipped under the covers the bed was still kind of warm, and he could feel their scent lingering there. He lay down and watched as Kaidan got dressed, watching his muscles move under his skin, then disappear under the layers of clothing was almost as distracting as watching him strip. To be honest he was pretty damn comfortable at the moment. Warm and satisfied, his body still remembering Kaidan's weight upon himself. He closed his eyes and listened to his partner moving around in the cabin. He was already drifting off when the soft orange light of an onmi-tool shone through his eyelids. 

"What are you doing?" Shepard asked without even opening his eyes.

"Doctor's order" was the quite answer.

"Uh-huh. Are you going to watch me sleep as well?" He opened one eye and looked up at the other man.

"Been there, done that" Kaidan huffed out a laugh, and turned off his onmi-tool.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that one is mine." Kaidan looked down the black N7 hoodie he wore then back to Shepard with a smile that should have been illegal.

"Well, obviously you don't need it right now. And if you want it back, you'll have to come and find me later" he sat down on the edge of the bed beside Shepard.

"Or _you_ could bring it back, you'll have to come and check on me anyway" he couldn't even recall when was the last time he wore that, but still there was a sappy little warm feeling in his chest for seeing Kaidan in his clothes. Later he would blame it on the exhaustion.

"Yeah, of course" Kaidan chuckled again then leaned down to press a quick kiss to Shepard's lips. "Now sleep" the Commander closed his eyes again and was asleep even before Kaidan left the room.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think. :3


End file.
